Chop Shop from Netflix

A 2-star review from Netflix:

I would have rated this higher if I was actually surprised by the content - because without the surprise, there is really no entertainment value. Are there homeless kids getting by and making ends meet in the city? Of course there are - do some of them have prostitute sisters? Of course they do. Bland and boring, nothing new here.

I did happen to see this film, and there are certainly no car chases or explosions. 

What is confusing is the line of logic here. So, it is not interesting or surprising because these things happen in real life. Real life is "bland and boring." 

That's what I can milk from the teet of this review. By this logic the only good films contain things that never happen in real life...to be honest I think I saw this guy writing this review at Comic Con, so fair enough. Battlestar Gallactica is, truly, greater than any film ever made about a historical event or a situation that could have potentially actually happened in real life. Then again I think I saw a re-enactment of a Battlestar Gallactica scene at Comic Con so I'm not sure if that disqualifies Battlestar. (Editors Note: it's hard to tell if it was Battlestar Gallactica, Star Wars, Star Trek, or just a bunch of nerds dressed as spacemen fighting over a hot dog.)

I'll have to dig deeper into this fellas reviews and get back to you tomorrow. 

The Old Man & The Sea from Amazon

3-star review from Amazon:

Ernest Hemingway certainly knows how to write a tight, concise narrative novel with his Pulitzer Prize winning novel "The Old Man & The Sea". This is what makes "The Old Man & The Sea" a great novel.

There seems to be quite a bit of religious inference going on inside this novel too. Sin is touched upon. The old man struggles to catch the fish (only to have a sad ending in the novel) and there are other scenes that eludes to the crucifixion of Christ.

I enjoyed reading this classic novel... But wouldn't rank Hemingway's writing style as one of my favorites.

Again, this is emblematic of the problems with user reviews. Someone takes a single literature course and then decides that they can apply their three months of study to anything and that everyone should be interested in their opinion. What opinion is even being expressed here? Good work, you notice some religious imagery in this novel and you enjoyed reading it. Well, then I guess your declaration that Hemingway's style isn't one your favorites is something that Harold Bloom should be noting.

If you don't have anything but an obvious observation, keep it to yourself.

"Family Guy" from Amazon

4-Star review from Amazon

I wish people would just enjoy the show for what it is instead of bashing it on here. If (in my opinion) you want to comment on it say something positive not negative. THere's enough negative crap in the world as it is. Sure every show and movie out there has flaws. Nobody is perfect. You know there is a button on your t.v. remote that says on/off you know. Stewie is my fave character! I got the family guy bendable set and a Stewie plush animated doll. HILARIOUS!!! SOmeone always comments on it when new people come over. You know they should make a movie: "Chucky vs. Stewie"! That would've been better I believe than the "Seed of CHucky". THink about it, there both bout the same size and both have overalls. Hmmmm. What you all think? Just a idea. I got a few Chucky dolls from 12" to 30" too. That Stewie Halloween costume is cool too!

I'm a little confused. WHat DOes THis ACtually SAy?

"The Road" from Amazon

A 1-star review from Amazon:

'one word - BORING!'

didn't draw me in at all. as i read the pages (or scanned them) i would get to the bottom and find that my mind had completely wondered to thinking about other things.

seriously - i dont understand the hype

...or how to read good.

Britney Spear's "Circus" from Amazon

I'll just have to post the review on this one before I say anything.

And IF they had taken the time to listen to the CD they'd of known about this and not let their 7 year old have it. Great parenting. Maybe it had a form to mail in for a free loaded hand gun. Better check your mail and pay 'some' attention to what your children are doing..eh?

The title of this review is "Oh! The Parents Are Outraged..Now," and to be honest I don't know what the fuck it is trying to say. I'm just fucking confused. A "loaded hand gun?" What does that mean? Do people still think there is controversy surrounding her albums? The weirdest part is that it illicited such a strong reaction from the reviewer, yet they gave the album 3 stars. I'm just confused.

"Dreams From My Father" from Amazon

Beware this review. It's a little offensive, at times, but he's entitled to his opinion. Since we just inaugurated a new president I thought I'd post a review of  one of Obama's book. I don't want to draw attention to any of the hate in this review but there were two parts that I thought really found the spirit of the bad user review.

The ordeal that many reviewers who subserviently brownnose Obama experience is confusing what "Dreams From My Father" accomplishes; Obama's 1995 book DOESN'T in any form come close to qualifying him as presidential material. Shame on the reviewers for abusing a book which tells his mediocre life story from childhood to 33 as the basis for endorsing him!!!! Because of the hype instigated by the liberal media for their favorite mulatto (liberal wet dream of theoretically having the first, sort-of "black" man installed as president), this book's selling aggressively, but in a just world, "Dreams From My Father" should've continued to be relegated to the obscurity it enjoyed before.

This book actively makes the case AGAINST Obama ever becoming president as it fails to present him and his unsatisfactory values in any decent light. I'm in the majority of the country--excluding the 35% of blindly worshipping Democrats who hype Obama due to the misconception they owe the black community for slavery by exalting Obama--which is mystified by the insincere sensationalism surrounding Obama. I picked up this book to investigate this empty suit, yet what I discovered was Obama's substanceless character and disappointment at his ideology and "values!!!!"

I contemptuously distrust that many of the fanatics giving 5-star reviews to Dreams From My Father have actually read the book (probably all Democrat operatives). The book is a disturbing confession of a racially mixed individual with so much emotional baggage that he's ideological, divisive, self-hating, race-hustling, and mistrustful of the goodness that is America. An example of his ideology is he spends much of the book pushing organizing instead of telling blacks to get a better education to increase their pay; his divisiveness is his association with reverse racism which looks at the destiny of blacks as controlled by whites; his self-hate is he actually compares life of the poor in America with the impoverished masses in Kenya; his race-hustling is his choice to associate almost exclusively with blacks (throughout high school, college, inner-city organizing); and his mistrustfulness in America is his longing to connect with African heritage instead of considering himself American foremost.

Much of the book is untrustworthy as Obama presumptuously fakes he's able to remember exact quotes in conversations he's had going back to his childhood!!!! This is simply not plausible, so many personal conversations Obama recounts cannot be believed based on only his memory. Another undesirable sickness his book perpetrates is the unabashed swearing Obama writes down, supposedly recollections from personal conversations, especially blacks in low-class neighborhoods. Nonetheless, this is egregious, repelling the reader.

The premise of Dreams From My Father is so unrighteous that it's skewed: it's an homage to his Muslim father, but his father is unmasked as an exorbitantly dislikeable renegade!!!! His dad is culpable for abandoning Obama's white mother and him at an early age; fathering scores of children in Kenya; being a drunk and abusive husband/father when he was ostracized from the Kenyan government's favor; and dying practically penniless without leaving his family anything.

His father's ignominious memory begs the question why Obama would write a book expressing such yearning for his father and his African heritage, yet the answer is found in reverse racism. Obama doesn't consider himself mulatto; he militantly views himself 100% black. This is desecration considering the whites in his life--Grampa, Toots, his mother--took care of him!!!!

Obama's personal "values" system is quite bankrupt since as a young kid growing up in Hawaii, his coarse Gramps took him to bars in the red light district. Predictably, this damage provoked him to do cocaine and heroin, which he admits on page 87 of his revelatory autobiography.

Some of the most anguishing testimony comes during his college "career"--he never mentions getting an undergraduate degree, yet purports that he had a personal secretary while working as a financial writer in his early 20s!--and working to "organize" black communities in Chicago. This favoritism for blacks was from his father's abandonment and Obama's yearning to get close to his father by associating with blacks exclusively. Being the far-left liberal he is, Obama's primary strategies as a community organizer wasn't telling blacks to get a better education to improve their financial situation. It was menacingly getting churches, black groups and unions together to intimidate the local government to dole out money, the quintessential, Democratic strategy for anything!!!!

Obama's book has misleadingly connected with liberals/progressive sheeple because it's so sappily melodramatic and pretentious. It agonizingly recounts Obama's sob-story of being racially mixed and feeling empty due to his father's absence; this doesn't make him presidential material, only arrogant to assume he's more special than other mixed-race offspring. Obama's shoddy talent does lie in fiction-writing as his style is very rich in vocabulary, complex sentences and scene-setting. Democrats in their moral relativism find this acceptable enough to exaggerate Obama as presidential material (LOL!!!!). The cover caption by Marian Wright Edelman is deceptive as this book WILL NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING about yourself whether you're black or white!!!!

I'm sorry that I made read that. Yikes. 

Two points. One, everyone who disagrees with him are "probably Democratic operatives." He's right. Everyone who actually thinks agrees with him and no one actually likes Obama. That's why there are over 300 5 star reviews and 14 1 star reviews: Operatives. Clearly was one of the primary tactics of the Democratic party this election season. I can see the meeting now, We should really start to utilize this user review feature on Amazon; I bet that'll get Obama elected. But I don't know how to sign up for an account, they're asking for a credit card. We better not use the Democratic Party Mastercard, because people really give a shit about these user reviews. Between that and using the word "operative," like it was a stealthy CIA mission, I don't understand how some people take themselves seriously. Like any high school drop out couldn't just get an Amazon account and start telling the world how he knows everything about the history of literature and politics. "Operative." Wonderful word.

Second slightly odd thing is that this man seems to have never read a work of non-fiction before. He subscribes to the University of Oprah Magazine, where rule #1 is that if it says non-fiction, it's 100% true, or the author is a liar. 

Of course the dialogue isn't exactly what was said, dumb ass. Read any autobiography, there are always conversations in the books. Always. Would anyone in their right mind really believe that these are conversations have been recalled verbatim? No. Dumb ass. The book might be a little boring if there wasn't any dialogue or any specifics that might have to be remembered as best as the author can. A passage that read:

There was this one time I met this guy, I think he might have been wearing a coat, he talked to me. He said something about needing some change. And I said something to the effect of I don't have any. But he asked again, probably said he was really hungry, or he needed some change for the bus, maybe it was that he wanted the money to find a place to stay. Anyhow, I said that I'd look around. I found some change. Can't remember if it was in my pant pocket or in my jacket. But it was there. I gave him a little, and I think he thanked me. It made me feel really great. I'll never forget that day.

might be a little boring. 

Tough to take you seriously when you've never read a book. (Probably a Republican operative.)

"The Golden Compass"

A 2-star review from a intrepid Amazonian reader:

Ok. First of all. This book took me two weeks to read, which is a ridiculously long time for me. I've been known to finish a couple of books in a day.

The reason it took me so long was that I was lost from the very beginning. There was just way to many characters and questions introduced in the first few chaptes and I couldn't seem to catch up. I'm not sure if this was Pullman's writing style (lots of dialogue, not many descriptions) or my fragmented reading style - but I just couldn't get into the story.

I wasn't a huge fan of the characters. I liked the setting and thought the premise was original... but I wasn't blown away.

Yes, I will read it again because I think it will read better the second time.
Yes, I will read the next book.

But overall - I probably wouldn't have even finished it if I hadn't of purchased it.

Ok. First of all. "My fragmented reading style"? Reading styles can be defined as follows: I like to sit next to the fireplace, I read in bed, I read on the train, I like to have a glass of wine while I read, I like sitting in my underwater playing with my balls while I read. Authors can write in a fragmented style. You cannot read in a fragmented style. Did you only read every other sentence? Or was it a more random process? That's the first sign that no one should give a damn about your opinion, despite what your mother says.

Ok. Second of all. No one gives a shit how long it took you to read this. That's it. Think about it, dipshit. If I told you that Pizza Hut pizza was slightly sub-par in comparison to, say, Papa John's because it takes me an extra thirty seconds to eat a slice from Pizza Hut (by the way, this is true) what would you say? Probably that you agree. But that's because you're a fucking idiot and I still don't care about your opinion. 

Next.

"The Dark Knight" from Amazon

Two 1-star reviews from Amazon:

painful to watch!!!

don't understand what is so great about this movie. It's a decent action flick, but not the best or most exciting.
The opening scene was REALLY good, but after that the movie got so DULL. If it weren't for Heath Ledger's performance, I would have not bothered watching at all. Everyone else, except for Eric Roberts who was pretty cool in his small part, this was boring as KING KONG!!!

"HULK 08" is a much better super hero movie for 2008.
Edward Norton from American History X & Fight Club... need I say more

Capitalization is not a strong point for this user, we'll call him "prOBably from teXas." prOBably from teXas, the issue with your logic here is that because of Dustin Hoffman's great performances in The Graduate or, say, Rain Man then Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium should be a brilliant film, it's not. Though I'm with you on King Kong people who barely appear in the movie are the best parts.

I couldn't pick just one, there are so many great reviews of this film on Amazon, so I decided to include an additional, bonus review today.

The amount of violence in this film is disturbing for anyone, let alone the PG-13 designation. I expected comic book violence in the film, but I was appalled at the mass destruction and menace that smacks of terrorism, and haven't we had enough of that? Is this what the creator of Batman intended?

Moreover, while the plot of choosing good over evil is admirable, I
feel that the sub-plot of masking good as evil for the sake of the
order, is manipulative and dishonest. Sure it's a good ploy for setting
up future Batman films, but it's merely setting the stage for more of
the same old stuff. How much violence and bad-boy heroes do we really need
to be entertained?

Yes, yes, it's ok, there, there, moral complexities are difficult, and a sin. Those liars at Warner Bros., evil isn't good and good isn't evil, no, I understand, you aren't crazy. Let's go to church and see if god can damn these people straight to hell. I bet there is a strong correlation between people who hated this movie and loved Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

"Forrest Gump" from Sazze

Here is a 4-star review of the film from Sazze.com:

Timeless. Ok, so Tom Hanks went to my high school and spoke at my graduation, but I'm not biased! Seriously, I am not a huge Tom Hanks fan, but Forrest Gump is one of those movies that has it all. Part love story, part historical chronicle, it's a feel-good movie that gets you rooting for the underdog.

Robin Wright-(Penn? still? or did she drop it since they divorced?) plays the beautiful, but mixed-up girl next door that Forrest falls in love with. I don't know why I haven't watched this one with the kids yet. I bet they would love it, too.

I can tell from this review (which isn't particular awful on the surface) that this person is that friend that you accidently forget to call when yo change your plans for the evening. Everyone was going to go to The Cockblower Lounge you tell her, and then no one calls when you all decide that it's surely has to be Ana Lingus instead.

If it were only her incessant watching of TMZ, and her addiction to Perez Hilton, that would be one thing. But she has the ability to tie every conversation she has back to Tom Hanks, and interjects, 'Did I mention that I went to high school with him?' And you subsequently purchase a meat clever and follow her home that night, but decide you couldn't possibly do it as you sit with your back to a tree in her backyard. No. No. The timing isn't right. They'd know it was you. Next week. Next week her kids are at summer camp, then, then you can stop Tom Hanks from boring you every time you go out. You decide to go see a movie to relax. Phillip Seymore Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War...wait....no!!!!

"Dark Days" from Netflix

Today's review, again, comes from Netflix. A 1-star review of the great documentary Dark Days:

I could only watch this film for seven minutes it was so painful. Firstly, why would I want to watch a film about individuals that live in squalor-it is discusting to witness the living condiitions of these men. I realize not everything can make us feel warm and fuzzy but this is just loathesome. Secondly, why would I want to listen to illiterate hobos speak their inaudible garble when I can just as easily tune into an incredibly sophisticated Noam Chomsky lecture. I have very little pity for the underclass. Learn to read, work hard, save money, invest money, get an education, rent a small apartment, and live your life. Thirdly, it was filmed in black and white. Now, my laptop has a resolution of 1400x 900 pixels, and a NVIDIA GeForce 8600M GS-one of the first-laptop-GPUs, to support DirectX 10 and accelerate the H.264-decoding of HD-movies. So, if Im going to have an incredibly powerful computer with an excellent display, Im not watching black and white films unless they are classics like To Kill A Mockingbird.

This review is something. The Nazi-youth has decided to infiltrate our minds through user-reviews that no one listens to, maybe. I wouldn't even know where to start. Maybe that the "hobos" lack of education is "discusting" to this reviewer. Why would we listen to people, when you can listen to the elite, the "underclass" are useless aren't they? Wow, I'm thrilled that Bush is out of office next week.

I won't claim to be a rich man, but I wish I would have known years ago that all you have to do to be successful in life is "learn to read, work hard, save money, invest money, get an education, rent a small apartment and live your life." Such poignant advice. And no doubt he knows, because he has a nice computer and knows enough to know that black and white movies just shouldn't be seen because color has been invented.

Bravo.

"Rambo" - From Netflix

Very good movie, but it could have been a little longer that's how good it was, you wanted to see more of rambow especially at the end, I was like okay where did he go, did he go back home or
by: ydy 90872

The fact that Rambo is spelt "rambow" here should be the first indicator that you should trust this person. Full Disclosure: This user gave this film 5 stars, ranking among their other five star films, Alvin & The Chipmunks, Transformers, First Sunday, American Gangster, Shrek the Third, Spiderman 3, and other A-List films. Clearly an aficionado of the film arts.

The Idea

The idea here is simple, and thin. Critics across the nation are losing their jobs. Why? Because people read user reviews on sites like Netflix, Amazon, iTunes, etc. For the most part these reviews are far beyond idiotic. I don't want to know about what your fucking cat did while you watched The Notebook for the fifth time in a row. You should go drink some Draino.